This is the question we all need to ask ourselves.
This is the question that began my spiritual journey. First, a lot of people don't even see me as very spiritual because of some of my habits i.e drinking, cursing to name a few, my lack of religious affiliation, and my views on organized religion, but in my personal life, prayer and a strong connection with God is at the core of my living. However, in order for me to even build this relationship with God, I had to ask myself who or what do I think God is in the first place?
I still don't have my 100% definitive answer for that question but the more I learn and discover about myself, the clearer my answer has become. Most people believe in a God that is omnipresent, omniscient, you know all seeing and all knowing, who watches and judges our behavior on earth and determines if we go to heaven or hell, I guess based on if we follow certain rules. God created everything and every person and we should be devoted to him and not overcome by the devil or we will burn in hell. When I really thought about this notion of this God I had always believed in blindly and accepted as the idea of God, I had to laugh and just dissect the idea for myself because that idea is just ridiculous to me! I can't believe that the creator of life would be so judgmental and vindictive lol. I can't believe the creator would condemn his creations to an eternal fire just for forming their own opinions or making mistakes. The idea of God that I blindly accepted instilled fear into me, which is apparently an idea we as humans accept because we refer to ourselves as God fearing. Would God really want me to fear him or love him? Move closer to him? The concept of God that I had always accepted made me feel as if there was a checklist or guidelines and the more I strayed the closer to hell I was getting and the less righteous and loved by God I was.
Fear is something we try to detox ourselves of not something to build upon. When I first began asking myself these questions and discrediting my once accepted beliefs, I literally felt scared! Lol I would apologize to God for questioning God's existence or try to shield or change my thoughts. I eventually had to realize that if I am going to accept the idea of a higher power, a God, I must realize that God knows I am asking these questions anyways lol. My once fear of God wouldn't even allow me to ask the questions I essentially needed to ask. This accepted notion of God suppresses critical thinking, truth and imagination. When we fear God, we lose sight of who we are. We act out of fear of repercussions instead of a love for ourself. We go to church or marry someone or disregard certain people or behaviors because of fear of not being accepted by an all loving God... Lol yall see the irony yet? We don't do what we really feel in our heart because we are afraid that our all loving God won't love us. We rather live in fear of repercussions, imaginary fear and imaginary repercussions, instead of loving ourselves and having faith that our all loving God will love us back as we love ourselves.
This is why I sometimes think of myself as an atheist. The God or Gods I pray to and accept are almost an extension of myself. I know (at least I think I know at this point) that there are forces stronger than myself that architect the divinity in my dimension, and that is the God I thank and pray to. Yet, I know that I possess that same divinity, that same force, within my being, and the closer I move toward my own center (or God) the more divine my life becomes.
This is what I truly believe at this point. This shapes my foundation and is what I have concluded and live by as a result of my eternal spiritual journey thus far. I still have many many questions about who or what God is to me to this day such as is there more than one God? Is there a heaven? Will I be reincarnated? Are our ideas of aliens really Gods? (Lol thats a new question in this whole mix) Am I a potential God? And of course the burning question that still lingers is there really a God? A force outside of myself that orchestrates life or am I the only orchestrator?
I go back and forth on these questions all the time. New questions come up. But the more honest with myself I am, the more questions I resolve with my being, the more spiritually healthy I feel. The more divine occurrences occur. The more prayers are answered. Even if I dont have a definitive concept of the God I pray to, I am being true to myself and in my prayers and the forces that be have responded accordingly. I feel beyond blessed!
I am not saying my concept of God should be accepted as yours. NOOO!! Absolutely not. You have to see what agrees with your spirit. You must be willing to honestly explore yourself and your spirituality though. You have to ask all the questions that you really wonder and not be afraid to stray from the conventional. You have to not be afraid. Have faith! You will be loved!
Come to a conclusion that rests well with your heart and doesn't make you feel restricted or fearful. That allows you to be yourself. It may truly be what is set forth by your religion. Or maybe you agree with certain things in your religion and not others. Maybe you identify more with a totally different religion or none at all. Its your journey to walk though.
